do you ever get one of these

Do you ever get one of these?

There you are, happily marching down the road of life, when suddenly

you realize you made a wrong turn, or maybe a number of them, and you

don't quite recognize where you are. You start to feel a little panic

rise, like the kind that you get when you miss an access point to the

October Bridge (in Cairo) in a place where you've never been before

and you have no idea where the next turnoff will be, and you nurture a

fervent hope that there is a gas station coming up soon, because your

petrol gauge is indicating a ridiculous amount of gasoline.

You keep the panic carefully contained during the day but soon its

night, uninvited darkness shadows over all familiarities you have come

across, ghosts of ugly people you shut out of your life suddenly start

to chase you, and foul odour of places you regret having been to, and

painful memories of bitter experiences that you have had in the past.

You had promised yourself to get rid of all of this, yet it is all

coming back to you now. A rush of adrenaline fills your body, in which

all you can do is scream, but you cannot, because you are mute.

Hush now it is just a bad dream, you say to yourself, or may be more.

But the truth is, it is certainly more, you keep having this incessant

agonizing nightmare for days and days over and over again.

Tormented, you wander through nightmare after nightmare naked, wearing

a big funny hat and bunny slippers that suddenly become actual

rabbits, because this is a God damn dream, after all! And so, there

you are hopping, hopping, always hopping and mumbling to yourself "How

did I get here? This is not my beautiful life! This is not my

beautiful future!" "Where the heck am I?"

But you are not lost or anything, in fact, you keep getting lost and

you know you always end up at the very same place. After as many

nights as it takes you to reach some milestone birthday - or more

commonly - a new year's eve (in my case for instance) you declare

"This isn't where I wanted to be! I'm going to change my life!" You've

been here before: weight loss plans come and gone. Career changes

dreamt of. The odd cut-up credit card and carefully scripted budget

plan. Switching to decaf. Playing sports thrice a week. Practicing

this old sophisticated piece of music you always give up on. Improving

your French and learning another language online. Going to Santoku

cutting technique classes and the list goes on. None of it stuck.

Gosh, how I hate starting points, they are mind consuming.

Well, enough said. Do you ever get one of these like me? Does this

make any sense to you? Doesn't matter, I am not going to explain

myself, personal blogs are pathetic, like i always say. I am just